Men and Women

DISCLAIMER: The following note is written for the purpose of a few cheap laughs and not to be taken seriously. If you are offended by any of these, you're a douche bag and need to have a sense of humor surgically implanted. All males and females mentioned are stereotypical. Any resemblance to any real person, dead or alive, is unfortunate... for that person, but extremely funny for me. :P



As the title of a famous book by John Gray goes, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It's abundantly clear that they are two separate entities from entirely different worlds, and hence the differences are bound to abound. Here are a few that this ogre has observed (with more and more additions to arrive in the coming months and years).

1. Women know that they think a lot, men on the other hand think they know a lot.

2. Nine times out of ten, a woman will be able to recall where she last placed the object she's looking for and find it still there; ten times out of ten, a man will think he remembers where he last placed that damned object, only to find it's miles away from where he thought it was, he then concludes the woman must have placed it there.

3. Women have understood the phrase "more skin is sexy" and are known to show off the right amount of skin to get things done at the right time; Men however have misunderstood the phrase and grow paunches (expand their skin) thinking that this somehow turns women on (we're talking average males here).

4. Women think that to please her man, they must dress well , but for a man a woman doesn't have to dress at all to please him.

5. Women have realized that scratching their asses in public is not socially acceptable behavior; Men, sadly, have not!

6. For a woman, the smaller the underwear, the more attractive it becomes to men; In the case of men, well let's leave it at that.

7. If a woman is able to do stuff that normally guys do really well, she's cool; A man who does stuff a woman does really well, not cool.

8. Women often lie to others to make them feel better, men just lie!

9. Women can say FOX without thinking of Megan Fox; men can't even send a fax without doing so.

10. Women can be nice to other men and women without any problems; if a man is nice to another man he's gay, if he's nice to another woman, he's a flirt.

11. Women around the world often hold each others' hands while walking in the streets; if you see two men holding hands and walking on the road, you must be in India,,,and if they hold pinkies, Mumbai [courtesy of Russell Peters hehe :)]

12. A woman can wear her boyfriend's clothes and still look good; a man can never, must never and should never wear his girlfriend's clothes...PERIOD!!!

My Best Friend PART II

I waited for her in the living room. I saw that the living room was very well organized with books in one corner, a grand piano in another corner with the fireplace right next to it. It was a very cozy room indeed and I felt right at home.

Soon Tiffany came down. She was wearing a red frock with black laces, her hair was tied up in a red ribbon and her cheeks were pale yet rosy.

“Now you two have fun, and don’t wander too far. Remember how easily you catch cold Tiffany, do be careful.”

The rest of the afternoon we just sat by the ol’ tree near the chapel. I told Tiffany all about the town and about the guys. I also apologized about what happened that night. She said it was ok, she hadn’t wanted to come but her mom had asked her to. We had a lovely talk and soon I walked her back to her house and went home for tea.

However, you cannot always hold all the marbles in your hand and not drop any. Some of my friends had seen me with her, and they had secretly spied over me, even recording what we had said. The next day they started poking fun at me, accusing me of liking her and such stuff, and I got so angry that I gave Freddy a box on his ear. After that he and three other guys started attacking me. Just as it was raining fists on my face, ol’ Moe suddenly showed up and chased my friends away.

My nose was bleeding badly, so Moe took me to his house. It was the first time that I had been inside his house and I admit, I was a little scared.

“So, why was your friends beating you to a pulp, huh?”

I told Moe all that happened and he broke out into a loud laugh. Rubbing the blood off my face he proceeded to tell me this story about himself:

“Aye, there was this strange girl I met a good many years back. I was young then, about your age. She was very silent and she fascinated me. I wanted to go make friends with her but never had the courage. Once I saw her being teased by the town bullies and she was crying. I ran to her and helped her out. From that day me and her were slowly becoming good friends.

Years passed we were still good friends but I started realizing that people started making fun of me as she was just the daughter of an old man who lived outside town buying and selling junk and my father was the head of this here post-office, so I started avoiding her and last I heard of her, she ran away, it’s rumored she eloped with someone or something I heard, am not sure though. Rumors are hardly true but anyways she did disappear. But I don’t mean to bore ya son, just telling you a little part of my history. Anyways my advice to you be don’t a start drinkin like me, hehehe, I was once wealthy man but look at me now.”

I thanked Moe for everything and soon left for home. I grew so restless that night, what was happening to me, why couldn’t I stop thinking about little Tiffany. In my heart I started hating her. She was the reason why I fought with my good friends. I decided never to see her again but I couldn’t stop thinking about her though.

Christmas and New Year celebrations were over and it was time again for school. That year of school flew by. Mrs. Winters turned out to be a great teacher and all of us, even lil’ Stu came out with flying colors. However the only student who didn’t do well was Tiffany which surprised us as she was the teacher’s daughter and we expected her to top the class, but she came dead last. But I told myself I wasn’t gonna bother myself with her, my friends were more important.

Many a time, Mrs. Winters came to me and asked me to come over to their house for tea but I always had one excuse or another and so I always managed to escape going there.

It had been a whole year since I had last spoken to Tiffany and I was starting to forget all about her and life was slowly getting back to normal. One day I went for a walk to the lake. It was unbelievably cold that day, it snowed for the first time in many years and I just wanted to see the frozen lake. I reached the lake in half an hour and sat in silence.

Suddenly I saw a small squirrel, a thin, tiny one, walking around in the snow. I fixed my eyes on it. There was a group of other healthier looking squirrels near it and they were feasting on some nuts. The small squirrel tried to join them but they kept on chasing it away. Soon it gave up and hobbled away. I was angry at the other bullies for not sharing with him and was about to chase them off when I heard a sobbing sound.

I followed the sound and soon I saw a person sitting by himself in the snow bank weeping. I was about to go down and ask why he was crying when suddenly I noticed it wasn’t a boy, it was Tiffany!

I just stood there and watched her. After ten or so minutes I could no longer bear it, so I went down and called her name. She looked at me in surprise.

“What are you doing here, Tiffany? Does your mother know you are here? Hey, you might get sick, come, I’ll take you home.”

She stopped crying and stared at me.

“You mean, you’ll really walk me home?”

“Yes, I will… I’m sorry I’ve ignored you like this. I’m sorry…..”

“Thank you, Billy…I thought that no one in this world really cared for me. I know my mom loves me but I often hear her crying alone and I know it’s because she wished I was never born. When you came and asked me out last year, it was on this exact date, the 15th of December, I felt so happy, Billy, coz I believed I found a friend at last. But I heard you got beaten up because of me, that was why you stayed away, but I understand Billy, and thank you… you’re my best friend.”

With that she came and hugged me and gave me a peck on the cheek. My whole being felt warm and nice but I didn’t know what to say. I just smiled at her. From that moment I didn’t care what happened to me anymore. Tiffany was now my friend, and I was proud of it. I walked her home, her mom had been worried sick about her and when she saw her she came running and hugged her and kissed her and she kept on thanking me.

“Tiffany, where have you been? Don’t you know how much I’ve been looking for you? Don’t ever scare me like this again, you’re all I have in this world, please realize that, you’re my everything,” sobbed Mrs. Winters in between her tears.

I was invited in for tea and we had a wonderful conversation. I found out that Mrs. Winters was as a good as person as she was as a teacher and now I was proud that I could call her and Tiffany my friends. So what if Megan and the others mocked me, I had new friends and a new circle now and I was filled with joy. I even gave Tiffany my prized shell necklace. I had found the shell when my family and I had gone to the ocean-side for a vacation. I had had it with me ever since. Tiffany squealed with delight when I gave her that necklace.

The next day I was very eager to go visit Tiffany but since it was snowing heavily it was impossible to go anywhere so I stayed indoors all day. I had heard that she was also a bit sick from the previous day’s outing which made me even keener to go and visit her. But the steady downfall of whiteness kept on getting thicker and thicker and so I had to shelve my plans.

The next morning right after breakfast, I packed a few loaves of bread, courtesy of my mom and headed out towards Tiffany’s home full of joy. I was very eager to see her and I knew that she too was eagerly waiting for me.

I arrived at the house at 9 o’clock and knocked on the door. Mrs. Winters opened the door with tear strained eyes.

“Come in, Billy. Tiffany’s been expecting you. In fact she told me not to let anyone see her before you do.”

I followed Mrs. Winters into Tiffany’s room and when I entered the room my whole being was left in a state of shock and my jaw just dropped open. It was Tiffany lying on the bed, pale as a white spring flower and still as the silence of the night. She was dead! I looked closely and found that my necklace was held tightly in her right hand and pressed against her now still heart. I didn’t know what to say or do; I just stood and stared at her. But even though she was gone, she looked so peaceful and there was even a semblance of a peaceful smile on her face.

Mrs. Winters hugged me and tears just poured forth from her eyes and soul, but I still didn’t know what to do. After she had dried her eyes she said this to me:

“She passed away at exactly half past eight this morning. I couldn’t call a doctor because I couldn’t leave her alone. She kept on saying: ‘Don’t worry mom, Billy will soon be here and everything will be all right. Until he comes I won’t let anyone touch me or see me. He’s given me so much happiness mom. He’s the one person besides you who cares for me and he has also helped me to see how much you really care and love me too mom. He’s my best friend.’ She breathed her last shortly after saying those words.

But at least she died happy. You see, she was conceived here many years ago and since I couldn’t tell anyone, I ran away and even changed my name. But I simply had to come back , this is my home and now at least I should be glad that this place which is a home and yet a source of so much pain to me should be the place where my daughter finds true happiness-a happiness that will stay with her forever and for always. And I have you to thank for that, Billy, thank you, you were and will always be Tiffany’s Best Friend."

Below is a song called "Love Is" by Yuko Ohigashi, the inspiration behind the story.

My Best Friend PART I

A story inspired by Yuko Ohigashi's "Love Is"

The evening sun was slowly setting. I was out on the porch sitting and chatting with Megan, Ralf and little Stuart. This was the kind of life any thirteen year-old could possibly want. Schools were over, winter was setting in and all that was left to do was to have fun and frolic in the winter sun all day long and then this, waiting for evening tea in the company of good friends. This was it; I couldn’t have asked for more.

“Golly gee, that was a whopper of a salmon you caught today”, said little Stu, his eyes gleaming with wonder.

I looked at little Stu. His eyes were filled with admiration for me. Although I only have one sister, I always considered little Stu to be my little brother. True we were of the same age but a big advantage in size justified this feeling of seniority I had.

I smiled at him and replied, “Don’t worry Stu, you’re still new at fishing. Once you’ve gone with me for a couple more rounds you’ll soon get big uns of your own.’

Megan sneered, “It’s the onset of winter, Billy Crimple. How in the world do you think you’ll keep on fishing, you wanna kill little Stu out there in the lake, do you? Have some sense and don’t let your pride kill Stu, kill yourself maybe, but spare Stu.”

“Who says you can’t go fishing in winter? I’ve caught many a big un in the middle of December. Don’t you dare say it’s not possible.”

“Humph! You’ll soon kill yourself of fever and cold, you will and when you do, don’t expect me to mourn then.”

“Fine then. I won’t,” I shot back.

Then I heard the magic words of my mom in the background calling me for tea.

“Gotta go guys. Tea time.”

And with that I dashed home and happily sat down for tea. It was starting to get dark outside and I knew that I would be out in the streets again very soon, giggling and playing with my friends, telling each other of stories of the Bog man out in the swamps and all other scary stories till all of us screamed our little lungs out. Why we screamed I never understood. For me it wasn’t out of fear, I knew that I was safe within the town and no Bog man would come after me. But screaming was fun anyway and that’s what I always did, and I was always the loudest.

Soon we gathered round ol’ Moe’s doorstep and we met him as he was just getting ready to leave for the pub. We all hid when we saw him, but he saw us anyway and shouted, “Aye, you little rascals better be gone when I come a home, I’m a warnin y’us little mongrels, better clear off when I come back ya hear?”

We all giggled. We knew that he would probably pass out at the pub and we didn’t have to worry about him coming back. It was usually dawn by the time he came back staggering all the way to his house.

I noticed a new face in the crowd tonight with Megan.

“Hey Megan, who’s the new girl?” I asked.

Megan looked at all of us with an air of authority. She never failed to let us remember who was the oldest among us, and all the guys hated her for acting so mature and bossy with us. But none of us really spoke out as we were all afraid of being called a sissy for fighting with her.

Finally Megan spoke up. “This is Tiffany. She and her mother just arrived from the city today. She is going to be with us here from now on. Her mother will be working in the school from next year.”

“And where’s her father?” shouted the loudmouthed Jonnie Brooks, loud as ever.

I noticed that Tiffany trembled a little when she heard this question. “I…I…I…I never knew my father,” she stuttered. I noticed tears in her eyes as she said this.

There was a strange silence after that. Everybody stared at Tiffany. After a minute or so of silence she burst into tears and ran off. Everybody started laughing at this and started to call her names.

Even Megan started snorting out her arrogant laugh. “You guys should have left her alone,” I said breaking the grand effusion of laughter in the air.

“Billy’s right for once,” said Megan.

But we soon forgot all about the episode and we were all lost in the stories we told one another, the ones we had heard many times over, and as expected it ended with all of us screaming and running towards our own homes. On my way home, I started thinking about what had happened that night. As I was walking, I noticed the little wooden shacks by the side of the roads with drawn curtains and shadows of flickering candles visible through them. It wasn’t much but this was our little town of Staunton and I couldn’t dream of living anywhere else.

I knew the town well, if it could be called a town at all. It was surrounded on the north and the east by a thick forest. To the south there was the swamp, or the Bog man’s home as we called it. It wasn’t really much of a swamp, just an old lake overgrown with vegetation. To the west was my favorite place, the lake. There I had caught many a huge salmon and I was famous in town for my prized catches which helped my mom and dad feed the mouth of me and my sister.

The town itself had a population of just around 100 houses. Everything was quite and orderly- this was home. I took a left just past the ol’ blacksmith’s forge and there stood a little house made of pine wood, slightly elevated from the ground with poles from all sides, with inviting little steps leading up to the porch and front door.

Home at last.

It was around nine o’clock and time for supper. I could smell the inviting scent of stew and warm bread even from outside and my tummy rumbled inside me. I soon forgot all that had happened that night and was in the house in no time. I noticed my dad wasn’t in the kitchen. Mom was there and my sister had yet to return from the trip to the city to my aunt’s.

I went into the living room and there I saw dad sitting with a woman. The woman was wearing a brown dress and her brown hair was tied up in a bun. She had small looking glasses on and she was very sickly and pale. There was a girl of around my age sitting at the woman’s feet. I was shocked, it was Tiffany and the woman was undoubtedly her mother. She would have no doubt complained about our behavior towards her earlier to her mom and now they were here, talking to my dad about it. I was about to run out of the room when my dad caught sight of me.

“Ah! Billy, just in time. Cm’ere boy.”

I prayed a silent prayer and I hung my head as if I was carrying the weight of the world on it. I could not dare look up, I was feeling so bad.

“Look sharp, my man. Meet Mrs. Winters, she just arrived from the city today and she will be your new schoolteacher next year. And this is her daughter Tiffany. Both of them have been dying to meet you. They shall have dinner with us tonight.”

I was stunned. I remembered saying something that sounded like “hello” when I shook their hands, but I wasn’t sure.

How the rest of the evening went, I am not sure. I hardly saw anything but my shoes, not daring to look up. I don’t even remember if I ate well or not but judging from the rumbling tummy I had in the middle of the night, I guess I didn’t eat very much.

Next morning I woke up fresh and confident. Tiffany hadn’t told anything about our mean behavior to her mother after all. I smiled and went down to breakfast happily. There my mom told me about her and her mom. Her mother had been raped by a man, but she chose to have the baby anyway since she felt it was wrong to go for an abortion. She had been raising Tiffany up this way, finding work in different places as a school teacher and now she was finally here. I felt sorry for Tiffany and wondered what it would be like to grow up without a father. I certainly could not imagine my life without good ol’ dad by my side and I was full of sympathy for her.

After breakfast, I asked mom if we could go pay them a visit. My mom thought it to be a lovely idea so we went to their house. I didn’t say much during our stay there, Tiffany said even less. I just smiled at her to show her that I came in peace and she too gave me one or two smiles, nothing more. The rest of the day I couldn’t stop thinking about her, her tears the previous night, her painful expression and now that sweet smile stuck in my head like the pleasing scent of the fresh summer flowers that lingers on in one’s senses.

I wasn’t myself the rest of the day. The guys thought that I was sick and Megan gave me a mouthful claiming it was because of my fishing and triumphantly sneered, “I told you so, dummy.”

But I couldn’t tell them what had happened to me, no, they would make fun of me and accuse me of liking her which I certainly didn’t. But I couldn’t help it, I asked the guys to excuse me and I sneaked off to the Winters’ residence. I knocked at the door and Mrs. Winters answered.

“Young master Crimple, how good to see you here, come in, come in. Would you like some tea?”

“I came to ask Tiffany if she would like to play.”

“Oh! How sweet of you. Come in. This is the first time that someone is asking her out to play. She will be so happy.”

Yesterday, Now and Tomorrow

T' is often said that distance makes the heart grow fonder and tonight I can testify the truth of this saying. The todays we face right now often seem to pale in comparison with the glorious yesterdays and yesteryears. Of late, I too have fallen prey to this trap of glorifying events passed, to the extent that the present moment seems bleak and dark, and that joy and happiness seem to diminish with every "Happy New Year" that we greet each other with.

It however has taken a bit of magic in the form of a piece(Flying through the clouds)(in video below) by my favorite pianist Yuko Ohigashi to set in motion the cob-webbed, long ignored voice of reason in my head which got me thinking "Were the yesteryears really so happy and trouble-free as compared to the situation that we find ourselves in today?" The answer was a resounding NO! They are however better than the now because we managed to get through whatever hardships were present then.

Then it hit me, these todays are the yesterdays I'm going to cherish in the near and distant future. Instead of lamenting and pining away for things passed, I realize now that I am better off trying to make NOW into a wonderful and heart-warming past, with the knowledge and satisfaction that I did all I could to make it so and at the same continue to adore and cherish all that had gone on in my life. :)


Spirit of affairs long past,
You have found me deep in thought
And your spell on me have you cast;
In melancholy is my mind fraught.
Thoughts of things past and gone,
Far away from this very moment,
Of scenes in my heart long drawn;
O'er these I cry and lament.
Unwilling in my heart lo let go
T' is dragging my spirits low
Yet t'is beyond my every power
To return to that happy hour
Of the things that have been
But now are no more.
But t' is clear now, I have seen
Shut now is that door.

So, sad spirit leave me be,
T 'is better, can't you see,
To leave things as they are?
I will now look to things far,
But will be forwards, and not back
Onwards will I slash and hack,
Through every pain and sorrow I face
I will change this unhappy place,
To one with joy and smiles galore
Like the ones that I so adore,
While loving and cherishing even more,
All that had come and been before.

Below is a song called "Flying through the clouds" by Yuko Ohigashi mentioned above