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It was the quiet end of evening probably around 6 or 7, I wasn't sure as it had been a tiring day and all I wanted was a quiet relaxing evening at home. No television, no music  no computers or internet, it would just be me, a hearty meal and after that a book and a giant mug of coffee. I found it amazing that despite this being a Saturday I was so busy I didn't even have any time to run any errands for myself. I had always been one who friends and family like to pick on and assign work and I actually kind of enjoyed it. The response I get from those I help out always makes it worth the while and I certainly didn't need any rewards as I had always felt being able to help out and them having faith in me to call me in their hour of need was reward enough.

However, tonight there would be none of that I told myself, I switched of my cell, locked myself in and put the lights down low so that no one would be able to reach me and I could have the evening to myself. I was looking forward to the night and in my mind I started wondering what book I would read. As I was thinking about this I got up and decided to start preparing dinner. I opened up the fridge and to my horror I realized that because I was so caught up in other things I didn't know that I was all out of sausages, salami, eggs and milk, all of which were necessary for me to have what I would call a satisfactory evening. I started grumbling and went to my room to change. On the way I also remembered that my cousin had asked me if he could borrow my motorcycle for the night and as I had planned to do nothing I had agreed to his request and so I would have to walk to the mart and back.

As soon as I got ready to leave I heard my telephone ringing and immediately remembered that I had forgotten to disconnect that. I ran over to pick it up. It was my brother.After exchanging greetings and catching up on our lives out of nowhere he asked me “Hey John is there anything I can help you out with? I mean really is there anything I can do for you like right now.”

“Well, I do have to go to the mart right now and I don’t have my motorcycle with me so I have to walk. You know how I hate walking.”

“Great, I’ll be right over, wait for me.”

“Now hold on,you live far away from me and by the time you get here I would have been able to go to the mart and back. Besides I hate walking but I need it so it’s okay brother, I’ll walk. Don’t bother troubling yourself.”

“Actually it’s no trouble John, I’d really like to help you out because you've always done a lot for me. Won’t you just give me a chance?”

“Now you’re being silly,” I chuckled, “it’s not like walking to the mart and back is a matter of life and death. And about me helping you don’t sweat it, it was my pleasure you owe me nothing. Really thank you for your offer but I must refuse and I must get going now before it gets too late. Good night bro and lets meetup soon. I’m hanging up now take good care of yourself.”

“Well if that’s how you feel okay. Good night.”

With that our conversation ended. Replacing the phone on the receiver, I walked out, locked the door and was soon on my way. It was a pleasant evening for a walk and the walk to and back from the mart actually refreshed me a lot. As soon as I got back I prepared dinner, then as I had planned I sat down with Tolkien’s “Tales from the Perilous Realm” and a giant coffee mug and passed the evening in a leisurely manner.

Around 10 pm, I decided to turn in and as I lay there on my bed I started thinking about my brother. I felt kind of bad that I refused to let him help me out. As I had said, I like to be in a position to help others but when the time comes to ask for help, I've always been hesitant. I guess this was partly due to the fact that I want to be seen as an independent resourceful person who can get things done on his own.So in the end I justified myself and told myself it was silly to let him come all the way from his home just to take me to the mart which I could walk on my own.I felt grateful that he was willing to do such a thing for me but I also felt proud of myself that I had the mind to refuse as I believed I actually saved him a lot of trouble by saying no. With that I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning being a Sunday, I got up early and got dressed for church. As soon as my cousin returned my bike I set off for the service and got there with time to spare. It was a wonderful service and the preacher’s sermon really struck me. He was talking about pride and he said that not being able to accept help and kindness was actually a form of pride. He mentioned how even Jesus allowed Mary to break her alabaster jar and anoint his head with the oil and gratefully accepted her act of kindness. All this reminded me of my brother and I felt a lot of guilt swelling up inside and right after church I told myself I’d apologize to him. I also made a vow that from then on, not only would I help others but I’d allow others to help me too.

The moment church got over I went outside to call up my brother but before I could do so,my cell rang. It was my brother’s girlfriend of the past 5 years. I picked up my phone and this is what she tearfully said:

“John, it’s me.Please don’t say anything just listen to me. I’m feeling so bad I can’t even hear your voice right now. I had a fight with your brother yesterday. I told him that I felt he is too selfish and never tries to do anything for anyone other than himself. I broke up with him and told him that unless he actually started caring for others around him I’d leave him for good. When I got up this morning I found his note under my door and in that note he acknowledged I was right and that he did try to be more selfless but he said that he tried to help someone he loved but that someone refused his help and that made him feel even worse. I could smell alcohol on the note and I was worried because you know how he is when he’s drunk. Well I’m at his place now…can you come over? They need a family member as witness. He’s killed himself. I found him hanging from the ceiling fan. I'm so sorry...”

Solitude...

A boy often sat in his room staring at out the window, smiling and enjoying the world around him,a world that he loved to watch from distance but for reasons his own refused to be a part of. His father noticed this behavior and after a while said to him, "Son,one day you're going to grow up to be a man and sooner or later you're going to have to be a part of the world you're now staring at,you won't make it on your own,son,you'll need good friends and now is as good a time as any to start practicing."

Years passed and the son always kept in mind what his dad had lovingly told him and many times he tried to obey. But the truth was that very often though he was physically present with others mentally he was far away-at times sitting under a tree in a grove and at times climbing that tree to gaze upon the world around him-but every time it was the same wherever he was,he was always alone.That was his the source of his identity,being able to isolate himself from a world he was not familiar with.

However,the impact of the father's speech would not quieten in his heart and many years after he had first heard it,he decided to go all out and from then on he tried (Oh how he tried) his best to be a sociable person,always looking for the chance to make new friends and to make them involved in his life. He had to involve them willfully lest he went back to his old self. After a while,he believed he had succeeded and was pleased with himself. One thing he noted however was that he had to do this willfully, it never became second nature,he had to tell himself he MUST do this and with an iron will he kept at it.

It was soon to change. He met her. Here at last was someone who he had to make no effort to keep in touch. Contacting her was never an act of will,it was as natural and necessary to him as breathing. All the years of trying so hard had finally paid off,he told himself,for were it not for that willful effort he never would have met her and he was so very glad that he did. It was perfect,,,almost.

Though initially the friendship bloomed,soon time in her company grew fewer and conversations dried up-from her side. It was then he realized it was no longer a conversation,it was a monologue with him the solitary voice. It hit him hard and he was left with two choices-to move on or to go back. Moving on seemed so much more logical because if he met one person who made him feel that way,there would be more. One minor bump in an otherwise smooth highway was all it seemed.

Logic,however,never was his strength. He was a man led by heart not by logic and rational thinking and hence he decided that he would go back to his room,his window and stare again...and the next time someone else told him what the father had said years ago,he has learnt to be with someone and not listen,he would again climb up his tree and find solitude...

And that is the story of the boy who refused to be a part of the world,then relented,then was refused entry into the world he wanted a part of and went back.

The Friendship Tree

My mind is overwhelmed with too much input tonight so as a fun way of letting it all out,just sharing a little writing inspired on the spur of the moment,no rereads no nothings,straight from mind to keyboard...all in 5 minutes :)


A tiny seed finds its way
To grounds welcoming and warm
Mother Nature its needs provides
And soon the first glimpses arise
Of things that are to be grand soon
But now delicate and on the fringe

Months and years soon rolls by
Eyes witness not our little friend
Ever active in its own way
But soon in the coming times
Up it grows in full bloom
Lending cool and shade
For friends and strangers alike.

Such is humanity in my eyes,
People meet without attention
Their friendship blooms more each day
With each talk patterns emerge and lines are drawn
And soon the tree of friendship blooms to life.

None are invited and none rejected,
Whoever feels at home can there do stay
With the passing of summers and winters
The roots grow strong and root deeply
And soon a protective circle is born,
A tree of love and friendship so strong,
So perfectly entwined,
None can clearly say what they are
Either leaf,or trunk or branch or root
But the truth in fact is quite simple
All are nothing yet all are all
And that's how we get
The Friendship Tree :)

Magic of the Ordinary

There's something in the way the heart works,
What I search for is oft what I have.
In moments of madness and despair,
I turn to things far and wide,
People and places I know not.
But in the magic of the moment
My eyes open to my everyday,
And find the magic of the ordinary
The dreams that dwell so deep within
The longings beyond my utterance,
So with eyes open anew,
I can say with a hope so strong
What I've searched for all these times,
It's been here with me all this while
Found by a miracle I call
The magic of the ordinary

:)

My Joy, Pride and Hope

My first blog of 2012 and it's a short poem of the only thing that makes my life worth living till now, my Saviour Jesus Christ. Here's hoping for a great year with Him :)

I'm not proud of my looks or body,
Not proud of anything about me,
I'm not proud of my deeds and what I've done,
Not proud of anything I own under this sun,

But I'm proud to death of my Jesus,
I boast only of my Jesus,
Without Him I know I'm nothing
But with Him I have everything,
All I want and all I will ever need
Thanks to His loving life-saving deed!!!

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time,

Full of reason and rhyme

Two lovers in love were there,

Their love blossoming into deepest care.

But the world on their love took it's toll

Bringing them closer and closer to a big fall,

But He refused to lose hope and despair,

And continued to show love and care.

She too took her lover's cue,

And tried hard their love to rescue.

Many times through tears they loved,

And through pain they huffed and puffed,

And in the face of many a loss,

They always found a way across.

But the world would not accept defeat,

Instead it chose to wait and retreat,

And in a time of Her moment of pain,

Saw there was lots of ground to gain.

With one lethal strike it stuck Her heart,

And caused Her world to fall apart,

He, not knowing what the world to Her had done,

Tried hard to Her rescue to run,

But alas He hadn't known the pain to Her soul

And when He tried to heal and console,

She chose to run because He could not understand,

All that had happened to her beforehand.

He was hurt and chose to leave,

Her love was gone He did believe.

Time slowly went on and on,

But still His love was not gone,

And with a final effort of heart and soul,

He tried His best the past to hide and roll,

But She would not be swayed because of His One Fault,

Her pain She had stored in Her heart's deep vault.

And so it came to be that their love was ended,

Seemingly never again to be mended,

But there's a song in the air to this day,

That His heart still sings happy and gay,

And when asked why this could be,

He sings with joy for all to see,

"The world may think that I am beat,

And that to me is only cruel defeat,

But victory is mine and will always be,

Because my love for Her she still can see,

And though apart we may always stay,

For each other we still care and pray,

And when the world's time is o'er and done,

Our love will shine on like the Sun."

The Miracle of a Friend (Re-post)

A story inspired by Yuko Ohigashi's "Waiting for you"

"Sometimes a stranger can turn out to be the best friend you've ever had"


Depressed! This word couldn't even justify the gloom in my mind that night. Everything that I had worked so hard for, all that I had held dear, destroyed, obliterated in one afternoon. The pain that was going through my soul, I felt was the kind of stuff that drives men and lovers to end their own existence without second thought. End their own existence? "Why not!", I said to myself, "all that I have ever cherished is gone, so why bother continuing living less than even half a life."

I took the silent trip down the staircase, past my parents' room, who had no idea of the turmoil that was going on in my soul (even if they knew, what could they do?!), down one more flight of stairs till I reached the kitchen. I got the car keys, and deciding against even leaving a note, opened the front door and gate making as little noise as possible.

Then I got in the car and looked at my watch, exactly 3:58 A.M. I drove off wondering where would be the perfect place to end it all. Finally, I decided upon a spot outside of town where as a teen, along with some friends, I had often gone to play football. The roads there were narrow and the cliffs were steep, a perfect place, it seemed, to end it all.

As I drove off, I noticed the dimly lit bulbs in my room from the window and couldn't help but feel a tinge of regret that it had come to this. After all, that was the one place where I had often seen my best days and moments...but I had already come too far, I looked away and floored the accelerator and drove off hoping to escape the spell of the home as quickly as possible.

I drove on and on, and I was now less than 10 minutes away from my destination, and probably less than 15 minutes for the end of it all! Just as I closed my eyes for a split second, I heard a thud. I floored the brakes and when I opened my eyes I was shocked to find a girl lying on the road. I rushed out, and I was so relieved when she got to her feet before I could reach her.

"Are you okay? I am so sorry, I just closed my eyes for a bit there and before it knew it..."

"That's okay," she interrupted, "I'm not hurt, that's all that matters."

I was surprised she took things so coolly. I stared at her, she was no more than 18, a frail thing, in loose torn jeans, dusty black converse shoes and a jacket which was probably two sizes too big for her. Her hair too was in a mess, but her face, it was radiant and beneath the light of the pale yellow street light above, she looked almost ethereal, if you could ignore her clothes long enough to focus on her face.

"What're doing out in the streets so early?" I asked

She smiled back and said "Couldn't sleep a wink so I thought I'd take a walk. Ya know it's lovely being out in the streets this time of the morning or night or whatever you wanna call it. The whole world's yours."

"Holy crap! That's what I always tell my friends and they tell me I'm weird."

"Well thats what I too would call a guy driving around at 4 am in the morning knocking down girls crossing the road."

"Yeah, sorry about that, oh heck, you're knees are bleeding badly, please let me take you home."

"That won't be necessary, but, since you're willing to let me get in your car, lets go to this neat place just outside of town and watch the sun rise, cmon what do ya say?"

"Um, I'm not too sure I can do that..."

"Cant or wont, c'mon ya gave me bloody knees for Christ's sake, you owe me, let's go."

Before I could mutter another word, she was already in the passenger seat of my car, wildly gesturing at me to get in. It couldn't be helped, I did owe her so I figured I might as well grant someone one last favor before I left, so I got in.

She then directed me to the place where she wanted to go and talk about the mother of all coincidences, it was exactly the place where I had intended to depart this earthly life. I was flummoxed.

"Outta the car hombre, rush, get out here," she shouted from the outside.

Not sure what I would do next, I slowly got out of the car and went out. She was leaning back against the hood and smiling in pure joy.

"Beautiful, isn't it hombre? And to think I never woulda made it here if you hadn't come along you big ox," she joked as she punched me on the left arm. "Geez, you're so big, I just gave you one of my best punches and you didn't even wince!"

"You seem to be a sprightly soul," I said after a few seconds of staring at her.

"Aye, that I am, and why shouldn't I be? I absolutely love going to this place. Makes me so happy. It just makes me feel that the world's a beautiful place, each day is a day full of new possibilities and each end brings a new beginning. Isn't that right?"

"..."

"You seem to have a lot on your mind, partner, what say you let them out?"

"Not sure I should, I barely know you."

"Well then," she said as she sprung to her feet, stood at attention, gave me a salute and shouted "Private Hannah at your service, Sir er, sir er, say I don't know your name either."

"I'm Jon", I told her with a smile. There was something about this girl that just spoke to me and even though I would have liked to keep my name a secret, I couldn't help but tell her.

"Well Jon, care to let your good friend Hannah know what's got you so down?"

"Well I suppose, but c'mon lets have a seat."

We walked a few steps away from the car and found a nice spot of grass and we sat down there.

"Well, Hannah, I don't even know where to begin, I shouldn't...you shouldn't even be here with me in this place yet here you are, and I'm supposed to be, supposed to be..."

"Easy there, Jon, don't get worked up, breathe, breathe, breathe!" she said as she rubbed my back.

"Thanks, and sorry about that. Anyway Hannah, I was intending to come to this place anyway to end my life. See that spot over there?" I said as I pointed to a curve in the road a few feet ahead. She nodded. "I had intended to jump off from there and end it all."

"End it all? Don't you have to like suffer major losses and setbacks, or either just be plain crazy to do that?"

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Well you're definitely not crazy, weird maybe but not crazy," she continued "so something really sad must have happened. Care to share."

"Well okay, but promise you won't try to talk me out of it okay?" After she nodded I continued "Well Hannah, for years I had been seeing this girl, and things were great between me and her and we recently had even started discussing marriage. Both her parents had passed away and she lives alone with her brother. But yesterday she met me and told me that she wanted to get away from the town for a couple of days to recharge her batteries and go stay with an aunt. Having already lost a previous girlfriend like this I was insecure and afraid of losing her too, so I put my foot down and told her not to go and that I wouldn't get the tickets for her. She was very hurt and left without saying a word and I was too proud to go after her. After she got home, her kid brother went to the bus station to get a ticket for her but unfortunately on his way back, he got involved in an accident and died on the spot...and it's all my fault! She called me up last night and told me she never wants to see me again for as long as she lives and told me she's leaving town for good. I don't blame her one bit but I can't bear to live with this sadness and I just wanna end it."

"WOW man, that is sad, but do you think that ending yourself really is the way out? I mean, isn't that taking the easy way out?"

"What do you know? You're just a kid," I shot back "You don't know the kind of turmoil and pain that I'm going through now, so lighten up on the advice and the words of wisdom okay?"

"I don't know? I don't know?...Well Jon maybe you're right. I am just a kid and nobody to advise you but then Jon, I'm pretty sure that it's no coincidence that you bumped into silly old me at this exact time. I know I made a promise that I wouldn't try to stop you, and I'll honor that, but please answer one question for me, will you?"

I nodded.

"What do you hope to accomplish by killing yourself?"

"I, I, well it's not so much a question of accomplishing anything as much as it is escaping."

"I see. But have you thought how much your death will hurt the ones you love. I mean right now you're hurt but that will heal but in killing yourself, think about how many more people you're gonna hurt. It's not just about you. Just think about that, would you?"

I stayed silent for a long time and after a while Hannah again broke the silence "Listen, Jon, I know I'm just a kid and you can stop me anytime you want. I don't know a whole lotta stuff yet, but what I do know is that whatever your situation may be you can always make the best of it, you just have to look really hard but there's always a positive note, that I am sure of now. Ending your life, for me is an act of cowardice and selfishness, you run away from your own troubles and in doing so create a heap of problems for others, the very others that you claim to love. Jon, am not gonna ask you not to do it but as a last request to a friend, can you do me a favor?"

"I suppose so."

"That won't do, promise me!"

"Okay, I promise."

"Good and no breaking your word. Please don't kill yourself today, it's already too bright anyway. Go back home, get some rest and come see me this evening. I promise you, this very night, I will be able to convince you that it is possible to go on and find a way to be happy even when you think that things are at their worst. If I fail, then you may go ahead and kill yourself."

"Okay then. Let me get you home."

As we got up and walked towards the car, she panted a bit. I thought something was wrong and just as I was about to ask if she was alright, she looked up at me and went "You big dummy, now you've got me emotional and ready to cry. Get me home fast I don't want you to see me cry."

As we walked back to the car, it was funny but I was actually glad I bumped into Hannah and even though I was still sad at the events of the past day, I had made a promise to her and I intended to keep it. I admit, my curiosity was also piqued and I was eager to see how she would go about what said she would do. We reached her home and as she got out, she hugged me, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said "Rest well, see ya tonight ya big dummy."

I reached home, cleaned up and finally hit the sack. I was dead tired and I awoke only by 5:30 in the evening. I then freshened up, got dressed, grabbed a quick bite and set off towards Hannah's house. What awaited me there I was not prepared for, I saw people all around her house and there were sounds of weeping. I rushed in and the news I heard shocked me, very badly, Hannah was dead! She died exactly half an hour after we had reached her house. Then a man came up to me and asked, "Are you Jonathan?"

I nodded.

"I'm Hannah's father. She wanted you to have this", he said as he handed me an envelope.

He then explained to me Hannah had been suffering from leukemia for the past many years and she finally succumbed to it that very day.

"She was an amazing child," her dad said "she never complained about her situation but rather she would often be the one to comfort me and her mom and tell us that in all things there's always a way to be happy. She cared for everybody around her so much, especially her elder sister. When she came back with you this morning she was so happy. She wrote something for you and also wrote a note for me and her mother, and told us not to open it until either she passed away or when she told us to open it, whichever was first. We never imagined that it would come to this."

She was indeed an amazing kid. She had kept her word and showed me exactly what she said she would do. I am so thankful that I met that angel. She has given me a fresh hope and a courage to go on and face new challenges with the knowledge that I can always find a way to be happy if I tried hard enough...and she's given me much more than that, for in the letter she left for her parents was my story and how I needed someone to love me and in my envelope was a photo and a phone number, that of her sister's.

Below is a song called "Waiting for you" by Yuko Ohigashi, the inspiration behind the story.