Random Blurtings

I've never been a person who's fond of babies,that's the honest simple truth. I understand that the miracle of birth is something magical and wonderful but my observation is that what follows usually is the stuff not quite of nightmares but certainly that of very bad dreams. Late night duties attending to baby's cries,cleaning up poopy and all just didn't appeal to me at all. This is why deep down I've always had respect for people who love babies and love to care for them,but I just told myself that it wasn't for me. I admit this is one reason why marriage is not something I would ever consider,I just don't feel I am ready nor do I want the responsibility,nay,burden of being a parent.

On 2nd March,2013 at 3:15 AM,my dog gave birth to 6 beautiful pups and for me this is the 2nd time that a dog I'm raising has given birth. The first instance was way back in 1998 and back then I was too young to understand the responsibilities and my family did an excellent job in raising the pups. My ony part was to play with them till they were only enough to move to new homes. This time though has been very different. Right from the onset,I guess my dog has very little maternal instinct,I had to care for them from the moment they were born. Removing them from the amniotic sac,snipping off the umbilical cord and even caring for the bleeding were the stuff I was required to do. Since then,the responsibility hasn't eased off. Some are unable to find their mother,some are unable to find a place to suckle in the crowd and at times some crawl away from the enclosure and everytime any of these happens,all they can do,bless their little hearts,is to let out a cry. It's become something my ears instinctively wait for and the moment I hear it,irrespective of what I'm doing,whether reading,eating,working or at times even sleeping I find that my first reaction is to jump to my feet and see what is going on. Last night alone I was woken up 8 times in my sleep from 12 AM-6 AM and when I looked at myself in the mirror,I had around 4-5 bags under my eyes :D

But I've realized one thing,caring for them isn't a burden at all,in fact I enjoy it immensely. When I see them sprawled out on their space,soundly sleeping,somehow deep inside my heart just glows.They are the most beautiful things I have seen in a long time and a source of so much joy. It made me realize that this is probably what parents feel when they look at their baby. So I guess in many ways,nursing these pups  has made me realize babies may not be too bad after all especially if the baby's mine :) 

Help

It was the quiet end of evening probably around 6 or 7, I wasn't sure as it had been a tiring day and all I wanted was a quiet relaxing evening at home. No television, no music  no computers or internet, it would just be me, a hearty meal and after that a book and a giant mug of coffee. I found it amazing that despite this being a Saturday I was so busy I didn't even have any time to run any errands for myself. I had always been one who friends and family like to pick on and assign work and I actually kind of enjoyed it. The response I get from those I help out always makes it worth the while and I certainly didn't need any rewards as I had always felt being able to help out and them having faith in me to call me in their hour of need was reward enough.

However, tonight there would be none of that I told myself, I switched of my cell, locked myself in and put the lights down low so that no one would be able to reach me and I could have the evening to myself. I was looking forward to the night and in my mind I started wondering what book I would read. As I was thinking about this I got up and decided to start preparing dinner. I opened up the fridge and to my horror I realized that because I was so caught up in other things I didn't know that I was all out of sausages, salami, eggs and milk, all of which were necessary for me to have what I would call a satisfactory evening. I started grumbling and went to my room to change. On the way I also remembered that my cousin had asked me if he could borrow my motorcycle for the night and as I had planned to do nothing I had agreed to his request and so I would have to walk to the mart and back.

As soon as I got ready to leave I heard my telephone ringing and immediately remembered that I had forgotten to disconnect that. I ran over to pick it up. It was my brother.After exchanging greetings and catching up on our lives out of nowhere he asked me “Hey John is there anything I can help you out with? I mean really is there anything I can do for you like right now.”

“Well, I do have to go to the mart right now and I don’t have my motorcycle with me so I have to walk. You know how I hate walking.”

“Great, I’ll be right over, wait for me.”

“Now hold on,you live far away from me and by the time you get here I would have been able to go to the mart and back. Besides I hate walking but I need it so it’s okay brother, I’ll walk. Don’t bother troubling yourself.”

“Actually it’s no trouble John, I’d really like to help you out because you've always done a lot for me. Won’t you just give me a chance?”

“Now you’re being silly,” I chuckled, “it’s not like walking to the mart and back is a matter of life and death. And about me helping you don’t sweat it, it was my pleasure you owe me nothing. Really thank you for your offer but I must refuse and I must get going now before it gets too late. Good night bro and lets meetup soon. I’m hanging up now take good care of yourself.”

“Well if that’s how you feel okay. Good night.”

With that our conversation ended. Replacing the phone on the receiver, I walked out, locked the door and was soon on my way. It was a pleasant evening for a walk and the walk to and back from the mart actually refreshed me a lot. As soon as I got back I prepared dinner, then as I had planned I sat down with Tolkien’s “Tales from the Perilous Realm” and a giant coffee mug and passed the evening in a leisurely manner.

Around 10 pm, I decided to turn in and as I lay there on my bed I started thinking about my brother. I felt kind of bad that I refused to let him help me out. As I had said, I like to be in a position to help others but when the time comes to ask for help, I've always been hesitant. I guess this was partly due to the fact that I want to be seen as an independent resourceful person who can get things done on his own.So in the end I justified myself and told myself it was silly to let him come all the way from his home just to take me to the mart which I could walk on my own.I felt grateful that he was willing to do such a thing for me but I also felt proud of myself that I had the mind to refuse as I believed I actually saved him a lot of trouble by saying no. With that I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning being a Sunday, I got up early and got dressed for church. As soon as my cousin returned my bike I set off for the service and got there with time to spare. It was a wonderful service and the preacher’s sermon really struck me. He was talking about pride and he said that not being able to accept help and kindness was actually a form of pride. He mentioned how even Jesus allowed Mary to break her alabaster jar and anoint his head with the oil and gratefully accepted her act of kindness. All this reminded me of my brother and I felt a lot of guilt swelling up inside and right after church I told myself I’d apologize to him. I also made a vow that from then on, not only would I help others but I’d allow others to help me too.

The moment church got over I went outside to call up my brother but before I could do so,my cell rang. It was my brother’s girlfriend of the past 5 years. I picked up my phone and this is what she tearfully said:

“John, it’s me.Please don’t say anything just listen to me. I’m feeling so bad I can’t even hear your voice right now. I had a fight with your brother yesterday. I told him that I felt he is too selfish and never tries to do anything for anyone other than himself. I broke up with him and told him that unless he actually started caring for others around him I’d leave him for good. When I got up this morning I found his note under my door and in that note he acknowledged I was right and that he did try to be more selfless but he said that he tried to help someone he loved but that someone refused his help and that made him feel even worse. I could smell alcohol on the note and I was worried because you know how he is when he’s drunk. Well I’m at his place now…can you come over? They need a family member as witness. He’s killed himself. I found him hanging from the ceiling fan. I'm so sorry...”

Solitude...

A boy often sat in his room staring at out the window, smiling and enjoying the world around him,a world that he loved to watch from distance but for reasons his own refused to be a part of. His father noticed this behavior and after a while said to him, "Son,one day you're going to grow up to be a man and sooner or later you're going to have to be a part of the world you're now staring at,you won't make it on your own,son,you'll need good friends and now is as good a time as any to start practicing."

Years passed and the son always kept in mind what his dad had lovingly told him and many times he tried to obey. But the truth was that very often though he was physically present with others mentally he was far away-at times sitting under a tree in a grove and at times climbing that tree to gaze upon the world around him-but every time it was the same wherever he was,he was always alone.That was his the source of his identity,being able to isolate himself from a world he was not familiar with.

However,the impact of the father's speech would not quieten in his heart and many years after he had first heard it,he decided to go all out and from then on he tried (Oh how he tried) his best to be a sociable person,always looking for the chance to make new friends and to make them involved in his life. He had to involve them willfully lest he went back to his old self. After a while,he believed he had succeeded and was pleased with himself. One thing he noted however was that he had to do this willfully, it never became second nature,he had to tell himself he MUST do this and with an iron will he kept at it.

It was soon to change. He met her. Here at last was someone who he had to make no effort to keep in touch. Contacting her was never an act of will,it was as natural and necessary to him as breathing. All the years of trying so hard had finally paid off,he told himself,for were it not for that willful effort he never would have met her and he was so very glad that he did. It was perfect,,,almost.

Though initially the friendship bloomed,soon time in her company grew fewer and conversations dried up-from her side. It was then he realized it was no longer a conversation,it was a monologue with him the solitary voice. It hit him hard and he was left with two choices-to move on or to go back. Moving on seemed so much more logical because if he met one person who made him feel that way,there would be more. One minor bump in an otherwise smooth highway was all it seemed.

Logic,however,never was his strength. He was a man led by heart not by logic and rational thinking and hence he decided that he would go back to his room,his window and stare again...and the next time someone else told him what the father had said years ago,he has learnt to be with someone and not listen,he would again climb up his tree and find solitude...

And that is the story of the boy who refused to be a part of the world,then relented,then was refused entry into the world he wanted a part of and went back.